Planning To Get Married Life - Watch Out for these

Are You Planning To Settle Down In Your Life? Then Read On

A few days ago, I found a news article on this portal about a recent conference held in the Middle East on pre-marital screening for women, which got my immediate attention. Even though it was about medical screening for spinsters to avoid problems in their married life, that event suddenly got me thinking about another significant aspect of pre-marital screening that has not been openly discussed in our society thus far. Hence, I decided to pen down my thoughts. This article is from the perspective of an Indian male. Not everyone will agree with everything I express in this article, but I am hopeful it will catch the attention of a few so they can have a healthy discussion on the subject. If not anything, I hope people recognise that such a problem exists in our society. It is not my intention to divide society through such incendiary views; instead, it is my honest attempt, based on experiences, to hold a mirror to what’s happening in our society at large today. This issue can no longer be ignored. Whatever I write here may not apply to everyone, but it is certainly more pertinent to people living in Indian cities. Here is my attempt.

The most crucial pre-marital screening test that needs to be carried out in our society is to identify the real intent behind the marriages that take place these days (everything else is secondary). When you are going to marry someone, you must first establish whether the person you are marrying wants to get married or if it is because she is getting old and can no longer rely on her parents anymore as they are also getting old. Most men miss out on this crucial point and, as a consequence, suffer miserably later on. When it comes to marriages (primarily Catholic marriages), Indian society is currently in a state of dangerous flux where the age-old orthodox traditions combined with the modern Western view of materialism have created a dangerous mix of a Molotov cocktail, which innocuously disguises itself through the initial days of the marriage but then explodes. The fundamental reason behind this is due to the various people involved in this circus (called marriage) who had hoped for totally unrealistic expectations out of the union. Being the Indian society for what it is, there are people ranging from the bride and groom themselves to the extended family members from both sides individually contributing to this mess. Nowadays, when it comes to marriages, for the girl’s side, it’s more about the pomp and extravagance of the wedding itself than focusing on what lies beyond it. They somehow assume it is a man’s headache to worry about after the wedding. I grant you that it may have been confirmed in India 30 years ago, but not anymore. Marriage is an equal union between the couple regarding rights and responsibilities. Society and the circumstances have evolved to an extent today that the husband alone can no longer take on the entire family burden. Get this fact inside your skull as soon as possible. There is more to life than a 3-tier wedding cake, personalised hymn sheets for the nuptials, corsage, boutonniere, page boys, flower girls, cocktail parties, or, for that matter, the prenuptial video shooting.

People with wisdom say lowering one’s expectations is the key to happiness. If you want a content married life, then utmost attention should be paid to the cleverly disguised high expectations that some women have on their minds even before the wedding spectacle begins. Marriage is not a Disneyland fairy tale, with ivory castles and flying ponies. Increasingly, our society is adopting the Western worldly way of thinking. Just look at the extravagance of our weddings and the efforts that go into it. If only people had put so much effort into what happens after the wedding, this world would have been blissful. However, the West has heavily influenced these clueless people to develop a sense of entitlement within them to think that others (especially their husbands) owe them a living. At the same time, they take no responsibility for their actions or failures due to unpreparedness. Some of them are under the assumption that what they earn after marriage is their pocket money, whereas the family expenses fall under the jurisdiction of the husband. Let me be honest here: the fault squarely lies with their parents. These self-righteous parents, without giving it a second thought, bring up their children in such an irresponsible manner these days that the child does not know what practical life means. Their children are least prepared for their own life when they grow up. However, the parents think they deserve an award from society, thinking that since they have provided everything their children have asked for, they are the best parents in the world. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When these same children eventually grow up, their parents think they have “done their duty” (in reality, they have only spoiled them by not preparing them for the real world) and then start their venture to find a scapegoat to tie to their daughter’s neck. That daughter (now grown up – but only in the flesh), once getting married, expects similar ivory tower treatment from her husband. She thinks that is what she deserves, and her husband’s job is to provide it. If he tries to tow her into the line (by talking common sense), then with the help of her ‘liberal’ relatives and friends, he begins to evaluate her ‘options’ (read legal weapons). In India, the laws are so biased towards women that even a mere allegation of torture (while not providing a shred of evidence) is enough to get the husband arrested without bail. Even if there was no substance in the case, it took years to clear one’s name. But by the end of it, when the court has quashed the case, there is no provision under the law to hold the accuser accountable for abusing the system. There is no accountability in the system or the society. That is the reason the laws are abused in our country.

In Western society, both men and women are equal when it comes to the law, so there is no room for such exploitation. If people don’t get along, then (most of the time) they go through the quick legal process and go their separate ways. But Indian society is a particular case if you ask me. The girls who have been brought up in the most feckless manner, after getting married, try to get the best of both worlds – on the one hand, they want the freedom and choice that comes readily available in Western society. Still, at the same time, when things don’t go as per their 5-star expectation in marriage, they resort to the broken legal system in India to abuse it to no end. They pay no particular attention towards their career before marriage; they spend all their time and money on enjoyment – shopping malls, Bollywood, holidays and whatnot. But then, when the same comforts become hard to come by after the marriage, their husbands suddenly become their punching bag. He turns into everyone’s enemy. He becomes the root cause of their unhappiness. The fundamental problem here (i.e. in Indian society) is that most parents bring up their daughters with the mindset that it is the husband’s job to provide everything after the marriage. That’s where the conflicts arise. Consequently, those wives do not want to take responsibility for their failures and weaknesses. This is why marriages (especially in big cities) are breaking down.

There is another fundamental reason why this happens repeatedly in our society. It’s because of the way the marriages happen. I must agree that things are improving now (albeit slowly), but most of the time, the marriage alliances occur in the least conducive way possible. There is no practical way to entirely understand the person you are marrying. To begin with, the boy is settled in a distant place due to his job and hardly finds enough time to dedicate to finding the right partner. Due to your culture (and religion), you are consciously/subconsciously are somehow forced to find a life partner from your community. So you strive hard to find someone who, more often than not, happens to dwell in a distant place, perhaps in another state or even another country. You hardly get any time and opportunity between your jobs to dedicate to this. You come across someone who you think could be your potential life partner. And this is where the problem begins.

You meet them once, and for some reason, you are unsure about it in the first meeting. You have doubts inside your head that you want to clarify before you go to the next level. There are some evident good qualities that you have found in that woman, but you are still concerned about what’s not so visible. Indian society still enforces orthodoxy when it comes to marriage alliances; therefore, the second time you try to meet that same person to find out more, they presumptuously assume you have already liked the girl. If you meet her for the second time and don’t follow it through, you will be condemned as a deserter. Secondly, even if you went ahead with the proposal, there is hardly anything that comes to the surface (i.e. flaws) until much later because if you ask any involved questions in the beginning (to clarify your doubts), then you are looked at as being someone uncouth and arrogant. There is no practical way in our society to fully understand the person you are marrying (co-habitation is a taboo!). The funny thing is you only get one chance to go through all this, and you have to get it right and count on your stars to ensure you have that elusive happiness. If this venture fails (as in many cases it does!), the same society will see you as a failure.

Enough of the rant. Let me come to the summary. I don’t normally criticise anything without providing possible solutions/suggestions. These suggestions primarily apply to men who have settled down in their careers and are about to venture into finding their life partner. There are a few things they need to watch out for before they enter into this phase of life called ‘getting married’. You never get training on this subject anywhere, and as I said before, you get only one chance. You botch it, and it’s over for you. That’s why this is important.

To begin with, you should know how to separate the wheat from the chaff. It can be difficult, but the sooner you do it, the more boldly you do it, the fewer worries for you later.

Here is a list of things to watch out for during that process:

1. First of all, look at the girl’s parents. Talk to other people and try to find out as much as possible about them, primarily how those parents had raised their children, their values in life, etc. Pay attention to how much effort and commitment they would have spent (not just money) on their children’s upbringing/education. In most cases, the apple does not fall far from the tree. Verify how they have trained their children to stand on their own feet. Once you analyse these things, a picture emerges, and you will know whether you are in the right place.
2. There is nothing wrong with feminism, which is rampant these days, and women fight hard for equal rights. However, you must ensure that your fiancée also understands that the responsibility towards your eventual family is equal between partners; it is not just your husband’s alone. Marriage cannot be an à la carte menu meant only for the woman. This wily way of thinking of banking on the old patriarchal Indian system when it comes to family responsibility (by dumping everything on the husband’s shoulders) while taking shelter under the modern Western philosophy of equality when it comes to personal rights (equality, freedom, choice, enjoyment, entitlement etc.) is a real trap for Indian men. Pay special attention here.
3. Watch out for those particular types whose whole lives revolve around watching Bollywood soap operas, their obsession with social media, their compulsive mall shopping, and their frequent holidays. These are the same people who most likely would have attended college just for ‘fun’, not to become something in life. Stay clear of those.
4. Avoid falling for the looks. If beauty and physical pleasure are what you are after, then marriage is not the only option. Go on a Europe trip instead. Trust me, it will be much cheaper than what you can lose from a failed marriage. Beauty lasts only for a couple of weeks after the wedding. After that, it’s inconsequential to your marriage. It becomes a burden on you. Watch out for this!!!!!
5. Do not fall for emotional traps during the process of forging the marriage alliance. Women are good at feigning tears, which can melt your heart. At this stage, you end up making irrational and mostly wrong decisions. If something is not right, bite the bullet and walk away. I know it’s hard, but it’s for your own good. Stay away from the physical stuff until much later.
6. If your fiancée is overly obsessed with her ‘Big Day’, be highly alarmed. I cannot emphasise this enough here. The tell-tale signs are that such kinds of women go to extreme lengths to make the day ‘special’, even if it costs a lot of borrowed money. What they have in mind is to outdo the other wedding they had recently witnessed. If this is the case, convince yourself that a significant danger lies ahead. You are better off breaking the engagement even if it causes short-term turmoil in your family and personal life.
7. Pay special attention to whether the person you intend to marry (and her family) has a thirst for knowledge; make sure she has intellectual curiosity, personal integrity, and concerns about worldly matters. The woman you marry may have the body of a 25-year-old, but if she has the mind of a sulking teenager, then you might as well get yourself a pet.
8. Always try to find out whether your fiancée wants to marry you or is doing it because she could not find a ‘better’ one. Is she marrying you because of who you are, or is it because of your money and status? Most of the marriages take place out of desperation. Don’t fall into that trap. Nothing is significant to lose in waiting a few more years to get married. If the person you married did not like you (to begin with), that marriage will fail. You would have struggled hard to become what you are today. Therefore, please don’t ruin it all by making this fundamental mistake.
9. Men should always remember that when they decide to get married (in India), as far as the laws are concerned, the odds are against them. If your marriage works out as planned, consider yourself lucky. But if it fails, then the woman has all the legal advantages no matter how right or wrong either of you is. Even if she does not know all the laws in India, her lawyer will kindly explain how to play the game. Pay special attention to this aspect. Even if there is no evidence of wrongdoing against you, you can still end up destitute and needy. Play your cards wisely. An increasing number of women in India have started using this legal weapon to get what they want if they did not get it through the ordinary course. Especially do your research on IPC section 498A (Husband or relative of husband of a woman subjecting her to cruelty: Proposed Section 84 of The Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita, 2023). You have nothing in your favour.

Lastly, there is no compulsion that you should get married. If you don’t want to die alone, then marriage is not the only option. Think of the alternatives. Until then, enjoy your life while doing good for others. Perhaps you can build an orphanage for people with low incomes. I am sure you will be looked after well by someone during your old age for your kindness towards humanity. Always remember, you arrive alone, and you depart alone. In between, you have to be a part of a little circus called life. Play it wisely.

By the way, I am not painting a broad brush here to point the finger at every woman in India, but an increasing number of women in India lately (especially those from affluent backgrounds, brought up in the cities in a feckless manner, who go pubbing and clubbing every weekend) have learnt the tricks of the trade called marriage. Pay special attention. And for heaven’s sake, do not fall for all-fur-coat-and-no-knickers types.

PS. The views expressed in this article are my own. This website has only provided me with a platform to share them. I also hereby expressly authorise anyone to publish this article anywhere they wish.

Submitted by Nitin P

This article was contributed to by NITIN P, a leading Indian Men’s Rights Activist from the Middle East.

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